How do I even begin to explain the prayer, arguments, bargaining, and petitions I had with the Lord on this one. I guess I'll start when it all began... July 2009. After a visit to Southern California for the 4th of July, I flew out of the city nearly in tears. For some reason, this area, was breaking my heart.I don't know how to explain it, but on that Sunday evening I knew that I had to live there - someday.
Upon returning to Washington and getting back into the "groove" of things, I realized that I was very comfortable here - this is my home, my place of safety. My family and friends all reside within a few hours drive of this place. Everything I know, everything I've known and learned throughout my life happened here. I've built myself a pretty impressive "castle on the sand" (Casting Crowns 'American Dream'). I had everything I could need or want: wonderful friends, amazing family, incredible job, and a great ministry. But there was this call, in the back of my mind/deep within my heart that wouldn't go away, "Go to grow".
I pushed the call to the side for awhile, ignoring it and arguing with Jesus about it, "how am I supposed to leave everything I love and start over?? I can't and I won't!". And again He'd show up, this time through His holy word, "'Leave you country and your people' God said, 'and go to the land I will show you." - Acts 7:3 Now me, being the wanna-be Biblical scholar that I am, just put that whole idea to the wayside thinking, "no, that's not what he's saying here... this is a story about Abraham, not me!".
And again, He starts prompting my heart during another visit to LA - giving me an even bigger heart for that city and feeling more and more at home and at peace there. And I start thinking, "Ok God, if you really want me to be here, it has to become something I desire too." I came home only to find a sense of unrest about "home" and a sense of urgency to get to California. And for a little while I was overly confident, "I can move to California, I mean, why not?" But then the doubts would loom again. So I put the Lord in His place again:
"Lord, I have committments. I have people relying on me. I have responsibilities that I can't just ignore. How the heck do you expect me to up and move to a whole new place?"
"Trust me" He said.
My prayers slowly turned into negotiations, "Okay Jesus, if you want me there, then I'll leave once I pay my debt off." Guess what? He helped me pay it off at the end of January... but that wasn't good enough for me.
"Jesus, I'll go once I've saved up X amount of dollars".
God comes through again...
"Okay, I have a committment for work until the end of the basketball season, I'll go when that's done."
Guess what? Basketball season is over.
My prayers slowly went from me resenting the Lord for placing a calling to leave everything I know and start over, to prayers of, "Show up, pave the way before me. Provide a church, provide a home, provide a job and I'll go tomorrow."
Funny thing - He showed up. He found me a church (an incredible one if that!), he's provided for me financially (keeping a job while I find a new one there), and has provided me a home close to the beach. This is one of the most obvious times in my life of Jesus showing me and directing me down a path, he's crossed the T's and dotted the i's in this circumstance... and I have to go.
No more excuses, no more sitting around aruging with Jesus. No, it's time for me to start listening and trusting the Lord's calling on my life. And I'm going...
Even though it may seem like an easy decision, it's been on my heart for over 8 months. 8 months of prayer and gaining wise counsel. 8 months of wrestling with my own pride. 8 months of my life dedicated to trying to compromise with the Lord in some way. But the fact is, we can't compromise with Him. We can't push Him to the side, His will always wins.
So I'm moving to California at the end of this month. I have no idea what awaits me there, but I do know, without a shadow of a doubt, that it's where I'm supposed to be. Yes, it will be an adventure and is so exciting to think about. But at the same time, I know that personal growth often comes with trials along the way. I'm nervous, at times terrified of the unknown. But praise God that through/with Christ I can do anything.
California here I come...
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