Friday, October 29, 2010

This life or the next

What a blessed week. Though life seems so overwhelming sometimes, God still has a tendency to move in random little ways to remind us of His love and guidance in the middle of the desert. This reminder came in the form of an amazing woman of the Lord who has been in and out of my life over the past few years. She's beautiful, she's intelligent, she's a Proverbs 31 woman in the making, and she has more wisdom and compassion than anyone I've met. After reading my blogs and getting "caught up" on my life, she sent me a powerful email, an email that touched my heart right where I needed to be touched. Her words spoke volumes to my weary soul, and I can't help but praise God for her.

As I was reading through her emails and through the various texts and emails from others this week I realized something: the Family of Christ, the brothers and sisters we have in Him is one of the strongest communities in the world. Though we're separated from each other, miles apart, timezones apart - we know that we have others praying for us, interceding for our lives, our hearts. And the best part of all is that one day when this world fades away, we will again meet one another in our eternal home. If we don't have the opportunity of seeing each other again on this side, we can rest assured that we'll meet again with Him. Praise the Lord!

All this talk of eternity really puts life in perspective - we're but a breath, a speck in the reality of time. And these moments, these friendships, these relationships we have are a stepping stone of preparation for what's to come. Praise God for community! Praise God for friends! Praise God for the family of believers.

Friday, October 22, 2010

A time for Silence...

I find myself in a period of silence in every way. I lack the words, I lack the courage, I lack the strength to verbalize my heart, to the wreakage I find there. So I sit, silently going through each day, wondering: Why? When? yet not finding my voice to actually say what I'm really facing, what I'm really feeling.

And all I can seem to muster is "I don't know, I don't know... I just... can't." My prayers have turned to silent moments with the Lord where my heart seems to burst at the seams, but nothing comes out. Day and night, with my mind in a fog, I look at the "why's", the "how's", the "what's going on"'s of life. And the silence continues. It's a silence I've not experienced before, a silence I've never known. It's a period of time where my God seems far and I seem distant, even from myself. It's a season of waiting... without the faith to hope. It's a season of stripping everything I once held dear and counting it all as lost. It's a season of overwhelming anxiety of the unknown future.


But this silence is not rested, it's not peaceful. No, it's difficult, it's deep, it's exhausting.

When will the silence end? When will the hope and the future come to pass? When will the valley turn uphill?

The simple answer and the difficult answer is: it won't this side of eternity. Life will be a constant of growth, of change, of challenges. And we must trust that He is working everything (even the silence) together for good. Though we may not see that good this side of heaven, we can know and trust that all will be known soon...

For there's a time and a season for everything under heaven... a time to be born and a time to die. A time for war and a time for peace. A time for reaping and a time for sowing. There's even seasons of blessings and seasons of famine.


In the silence I cling to the glimmer of hope I see, and in the silence I remember:

"Silence of our eyes, silence of our ears, silence of our mouths, silence of our minds... in the silence of our hearts God speaks." - Mother Teresa

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Poetry for a Savior

Poetry... where it all began for me...


You sustain me for today
You sustain me for this hour
I praise you, Lord, for being my strong tower

Needs and protection are what you provide
In the hours of famine within my life

You're Adonai, Mighty to Save
Omnipotent and Praiseworthy for all my days

Thank you for this moment; this hour a gift
For in you I find peace, comfort, and rest

Where you'll lead, that's for you to know
And for me to follow faithfully, wherever we go

Praise you, Father, for your care
For you are worthy beyond compare

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Waiting Room

It seems that life is so often a constant of change... a constant waiting room of what's next, what lies around the next corner.

Overwhelmed by the waiting rooms of life, the purgatory of the mind and heart. Seasons of patient listening to the will and desires of the One and Only. It seems that much of life is spent in the waiting rooms: justice, reconcilation, forgiveness, strength, healing, friendship, relationship, direction, understanding, transition, wisdom... and the list goes on.

It seems my life has been a waiting room for years. If it's not one room, then it's another: waiting on the decisions of others, waiting on the plans of the Lord, waiting in the knowledge of all things (good and bad) being worked together for GOOD.

Who's good?

Our good.

God's good for those who love Him.

And His word floods my mind...

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him." - Psalm 37:7

So the waiting continues. The curiosity of what lies behind the door in the lobby of life overwhelms my heart.

Anxiety builds

excitement builds

anticipation builds

As the door begins to open.

How long Lord? What's next Lord? When will the door open?

"Though the sorrow may last for a night, the joy comes in the morning." -Ps. 30

Sunday, October 3, 2010

25 - Quarter of a Century - WOW!

I turned 25 today... 25. I seriously cannot believe that I'm here, in this day, in this moment. I still feel like I'm in High School. I remember like yesterday my 16th birthday and my Dodge Neon waiting for me in the driveway. Where did all those years go?? And what's happened to the age of innocence? The age when everything seemed doable and so fun?? Man, it's amazing how drastically life changes...

Speaking of which, the year of 24 was quite possibly the most challenging year of my life. I started off celebrating my birthday in Southern California, and shortly thereafter decided that I needed to move there. Then about a month later I met a boy who lived in SoCal, and after chatting for awhile, we started dating over New Years weekend. Then long distance happened, and I can say that it's not for everyone, especially me. It's so hard to be so far from the person you care about... not being able to do life together. Then February came, and I quit my job, I quit coaching cheerleading, and I packed my bags. March brought my move to SoCal, and April brought new friends and church community that I've never had before. May brought a job that I shortly thereafter lost. June brought confusion, July brought unemployment. August brought a new job - one I love. September brought the loss of a home. And now, here I am again, October 3rd - starting a new year.

As I leave Seattle today, and travel back to my new home in SoCal, I realize how much of my life has happened here, in this place. Memories flood my mind as I drive down the freeway, memories of a past I once lived, of people I once knew, of relationships I once had... they're everywhere. This beautiful home of mine has been challenging at times, but it's still where it all began. My best friend got married last night, and I'm just realizing how short life is, how much changes in a year, how powerfully God moves in everything... and a piece of my heart will always live in the PacNW - as my heart grows in California. So weird what one year can bring...

I've got this crazy feeling that 25 is going to be a year of Jubilee, of rest, of good things, of God's plans becoming evident. "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord - plans for hope and a future." Lord Jesus, may it be. May it be a year of blessings, of learning, of growing more in you. May it be a year of opportunity. May it be a year of loving others. May 25 be the best year yet.