Friday, March 6, 2015

Give me Jesus.

Life sure is one great adventure. You never know where you're headed next. And for much of my life I go through the motions, I put my nose to the grindstone and I plow through it. I've been called "super woman", I've been asked "how do you do it all?", and I've been challenged "you need to slow down... just slow down". And the wisdom of my sweet husband telling me to slow down is one of the greatest insights into my own flaws.

If I'm honest, I hate flaws. I have this side of me that strives for perfection. And for some reason my 29 year old self often falls into the trap of "you've got to prove yourself to your mom, your dad, your friends, your husband... to yourself." And I'll tell you what - it's no way to live. I've literally been going so fast for so long that I don't even smell the roses anymore. I don't know how to take my time, to slow down. It's gotten so bad that I hurt myself in the process. Yes, you read that right, I hurt myself. Not intentionally, please understand that, but in my hurried ways I have a tendency to cut off my finger tips while making dinner (not recommended!), run into walls, hit my hips on the corners of furniture, and literally slice my hand open without even realizing it (until I look down and see blood).

People. This is not normal. This is not the life our sweet Jesus has for us. And I guess what it all comes down to is that I've somehow become desensitized to everything. Somewhere along the way, I lost touch with how I feel. And if I'm completely honest, I've lost a lot in my life and a lot of it still haunts me to this day. I used to run to the hills and sit in the middle of nowhere with the Lord and just hash it all out. And now I'm in a concrete jungle that seems more a jail than anything. I don't know where to go and I feel stuck. It's hard to slow down or stop here. There's always more to do, more to strive for, and it's.... Empty.

And then I get some semblance of perhaps reacting to something and instead I just shut into myself and process it for 3 months, not saying a word to others. Then the blow up happens, the tears fall, the realization of a diagnosis hits and I sob. And I don't mean little hiccup like sobs... I mean the one's of Biblical proportions where your entire body shakes and you make this sound out of the depths of your inner most being that completely freak out your husband. That kind of sobbing...

Another month goes by and I finally talk to a trusted friend, yet still feeling completely in denial about the whole thing. Then more of this meaningless stuff keeps coming up in my life and I'm distracted, again. When finally, today, I have this epiphany, of sorts, or more of a gentle *WAP* upside the head from my sweet Lord giving me some perspective. And it went something like this:

In desensitivity... give me Jesus.
In a world of hurry... give me Jesus.
In doubt and despair... give me Jesus.
In hope and joy... give me Jesus.
In the brokenness of it all... give me Jesus.
In abnormalities... give me Jesus.
In the unhealed parts of me... give me Jesus.
In potential barrenness... give me Jesus.
In life, in death... give me Jesus.

In it all... give me Jesus.

My Love. My rock. My Salvation.

Give me JESUS.