26

That's right folks... it's October 3rd again, and today I turn 26 years old.

I don't know how I got here... a decade ago I got a driver's license. A DECADE!

Today, on this day, my birthday, I find myself a bit cynical, a bit frustrated, a bit, how do I say this delicately? Umm... a bit with the mentality of "screw it". This life certainly hasn't been what I've dreamt or expected. It certainly hasn't been a walk in the park or a cake walk. Nope, it's seemed liked hell on earth at various junctions, that's for sure.

I looked back in my journal today from a year ago. I spent my 25th birthday flying home from a dear friend's wedding in Seattle. I came home to an amazing roommate who bought me cupcakes and sang to me. Blessed by a friendship I've never experienced before - that woman of grace showed me a birthday I never will forget. She remembered, she listened, she loved, and she wrote me one of the sweetest most encouraging cards I've ever read. That's what started the 25th year of life.

In that year I moved into our now "old" apartment with Cortney. And that very December our lives and prayers were answered in the reconciling of the heart of a man for a woman. And suddenly friendships bloomed and I found myself surrounded by one of the most incredible group of people I've ever experienced. We did life together. We celebrated together. We grew together, and all was well with our souls.

However, there was that part of my heart that so longed for companionship, for a "manpanion" if you will. Every birthday for year's I found myself in the same boat... single. And I often have prayed and wondered if God was calling me to be forever single or if he'd ever bring a man into my life. And at the 25th birthday mark I found myself being slowly pursued by someone, but found my own heart not ready for it. My heart was elsewhere for a time, and I blew this guy off for months. Winter came, and still my heart was a "no", spring came and I was still unsure, then the summer months drew near and I found myself falling for this man.

Then there was my home, my family, the friends I left in Seattle. They all seemed to move on and move up in the world, while I sat in California confused and seemingly alone. Relationships faltered, more time passed without interaction and it seemed that maybe I'd lost them. Funny how a life threatening illness brings people together. And that was exactly what happened when my mom went in for brain surgery in February. There were intense moments of me facing the thoughts that she may very well not make it through, and I would somehow have to put the pieces back together. But by God's grace and that prayers of others that woman is fully functional and fully healed.

Let's not forget about the jobs I've had in the past year either. The one that was a corporate joke that ended up laying off half it's staff at the end of 2010 (me included). And the job that I now have and love, most of the time. :-) Oh and the other job I've been able to pursue. That's right, you guessed it, being a certified Crossfit Trainer. How in the WORLD did I ever get into that? Thanks to a few dear friends who introduced me and now I'm convinced and obsessed!

Prayers have been answered in this past years. Dreams have come true. But hardships have also fallen and it seems that I'm walking, yet again, in the dark. I feel that I'm waging war with the enemy of souls as we speak, and the only thing I can do is pray and intercede on behalf of others. I've not once seen so many lives effected the way they have been in the last 3 months. I've never experienced such incredible shifts in human souls. And it seems that one drop in the water has had a ripple effect on nearly everyone I hold near and dear.

Those friends who came into my life in December are now at odds with one another, to the point where I don't know what's going to happen with us. To my hearts ache, that boy and I didn't work out. The Seattle home is no longer what it was for those 2 weeks in February... it's gone back to it's old ways. That job I've so desired has been placed on hold for a time. And I often awake anxiously aware that everything can change in an instant...

And here I sit - 26. I feel I'm in the same place I was last year - confused and seemingly alone (besides the very few that walk this journey with me). And I wonder if He's working for the good when the natural world around me makes absolutely NO sense. I wonder if He'll make all things new. I wonder if this constant giving and taking will ever stop.

But I can't help but remember that He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us a future and a hope. On Christ the Solid Rock I stand! I have no other choice. I can't wage this war, set foot on these battle lines without Him by my side. These giants are too big to overcome with the human nature. I need a God-sized hope,  a God-sized faith, a God-sized army to walk alongside me if I and all those I'm on my knees for are going to make it to the other side of this journey free, strong and courageous.

So this year, 26, I declare the following:

Freedom
Faith
Growth
Courage
Protection
Peace
Hope
Trust
Restoration
Grace
Walls Tumbling
Breaking hearts
Love
Joy
Mercy
Strength
Deliverance
Courage
Confidence
Trust
Perseverance
Reconciliation
Deep Faith
Ears to hear
Eyes to see
Hearts to understand
JUBILEE!!!!

And I must choose to "Follow the alternate course, even if the change of plans appears to be absolute folly from the perspective of human wisdom" - Streams in the Desert