Natural tendencies...

I have this tendancy that I absolutely hate about myself. It's called the fear of confrontation. But that's just the beginning. I'm realizing that it goes a lot deeper than I originally thought, so much so that I'm afraid to talk to certain people for fear that they won't like me or that I'll be misconstrued. I'd even go as far as to say that I get apprehensive about chatting with friends of friends for fear that I may say something wrong or the other person already has a tainted view of me because of someone else.

Ridiculous? Absolutely. Do I hate it about myself? Oh yeah. And do I still avoid certain social situations and awkward conversations because of it?? All the time. So much so that some people may think me rude because I'll see them from afar, wave, then walk away without even saying hello. Seriously?? It's called fear...

I'll tell you one thing, this has GOT to stop. I don't know when or how, but it's gotta stop. It's funny because in every business dealing I have I come across as this confident, well spoken business woman, yet when I have to see a friend or chat about something with someone, I run for the hills. My natural tendency in my personal life is to walk around like nothing's wrong. I can't stand it!!!

I need to get up enough courage to face my fears and walk up to the group of people who I really very much enjoy, instead of making a bee-line for a hiding place. I need to stop avoiding situations for fear of people not liking me. I need to step up and realize that sometimes things aren't going to work out, someone's busy, whatever the case may be - and be okay with it.

Oh dear Lord, there's a lot of me that needs fixing - and I thank you for presenting areas that I need to work on to me. For you did not give me a spirit of fear... yet I so often embrace the fear and get so entangled in it that I don't even know who I am anymore. Where did that confident and courageous little girl go? I know she's in there somewhere... but this grown up version of her is full of fragile fear, trapped in her own musings.

So I ask for faith. I ask for trust. I ask for increased opportunities to step out of my safety bubble and into the difficult things. I ask for the courage and the strength to step up and be me. And I ask for help with overcoming the push-over, people pleasing person that I so often am. Meet me, help me, mold me into the person you've created me to be. And let my 'yes' be 'yes' and my 'no' be 'no'.

Holy Spirit, please just help me.