Free will

I got a glimpse last night of how desperately Christ desires to be allowed into the inner most depths and darkness of our hearts. His desire to let what's in the dark be brought and redeemed in the brightness of his light.

There are many times in my life where I feel deep compassion for people who are struggling with pain or can't seem to face the hurts and the pains of the past. The depth of their pain deepens the longer they push it further into the dark. The chains of the enemy wrap themselves tighter and tighter around us, and we feel overcome by the fear of letting go. And I want to fix things in their lives. And I think, "if I desire this much to help someone, think of how desperately Christ desires to help and heal them.".

One great example in my own life is the pain I see in the eyes of someone who's very dear to me. This person is very good at putting on the face that everything's fine, that there's nothing hurting or hindering them. But if I look deep into their eyes, I see a pool of pain ranging from death to betrayal, and they're terrified of letting their "weaknesses" be known. Every time I see this person, my heart literally leaps inside me with love and compassion for them. I want to take the pain and the hurt away, I want to fix their heart and mend it. But I can't.

I can't fix the pains of other's because they have their own free will to choose what they bring to light. In the same sense, God cannot perform a healing transformation on the areas of our hearts that we hold under lock and key because of our free will. God respects our space and allows us the time to process our hurts and our hearts - he will never force us into anything. But the longer we sit against the door, although He's knocking, the deeper the spear of hurt goes... leaving blood streaming behind.

Until we face the deepest pains, the deepest fears, the deepest sins, we will be miserable or depressed or tired. In my own life I've had pain that ranges from abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and death. I've been to through the valley of the shadow of death, and for years since I've tried my hardest to hide behind this facade of perfectionism and bubbliness that masks the deep hurts I've experienced. But two dear friends of mine have made me realize that the longer I allow the pain of the past dictate my future, the longer I'll be imprisoned in dark.

And I'm terrified of facing the closed doors of my heart. I'm terrified to bring the darkness into light, because it often means walking right back through the valley of the shadow of death. But freedom does not come easy, but freedom is what I desire most. To be free from the footholds of the enemy, to be burden free, to not feel exhausted any longer from juggling and hiding everything in my life..... so I'm starting inner healing prayer. I know God gives me the free will and allows me to sit in my pit if I so choose, but I choose life, I choose freedom. And my prayer is that through inner healing I'll be able to overcome the sin that so easily entangles my life and that it will allow me to find out who I am, what I'm here for, and give me a sense of confidence and courage as I go throughout this life.

Inner Healing Prayer may just be the answer.