me?

For the first time in my life I've come to the realization that I need to break the walls of pride, the walls of people pleasing, the walls of being a chameleon. I need to find out what I value, what I like... In essence I need to find who I am. Who christ sees me as. So often I'm plagued by trying to be better at this or that... But I wonder - does jesus love me for everything I try to be or does he love me for just being me?

And who is 'just me'. What does that girl look like?

For I can't go on until I get myself healed and broken free from the chains I've allowed myself to wear for so long. So I say no so that I may be able to be whole and ready in the future. For the 1st time I know the reason God has told me over and over 'not yet'. It's because I can't find me in the midst of relationship with men. I can only find that girl buried by a life of perfection and walls by devoting my whole self to the Lord - asking him to open and cleanse the wounds of the past and allowing him to heal the pains. I need to let the light of the One and Only shine into the darkest places of my soul and refine who I am, why I'm here, and give me the courage and confidence to walk through life knowing what I value and what makes me, me.

So I walk away... By far one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I say 'no' so that I can one day full heartedly say 'yes'. I walk away to get well - to get my feet firmly rooted on the rock. I walk away with the hope that 'someday' and 'not yet' will come sooner than later so I no longer have to wait wounded.

Heal the innermost parts of my soul jesus so that I may be whole and able to go after your desires for my life. Show me who I am - show me what to do and where to go.

Show me.

Heal me.

Refine me.

And make me whole.