If I'm honest...

Brutal Honesty. If I'm honest with you I feel numb. And I've been numb for what feels like years. Numb from feeling and emotion. No longer do I cry or hope or long for anything. Nothing brings me joy or excitement, there's just this bizarre pressure on my heart each and everyday... and I'm numb.

Gone are the days for the excitement of the unknown. Gone are the hopes and dreams of something bigger. Gone are the visions of revival. I cry inside but the tears don't manifest on the outside. I plead, but still my heart feels nothing.

Gone... numb...

How am I supposed to hope when all the hopes lead to disappointments? How am I to dream when they're all unreachable facade's? How do I hear the voice of God amongst the voices of the world and satan constantly attacking me at every turn?

Gone... numb... how...

The choices always catch up to us. I've realized something over the past months in this state of haze, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to face it yet. Or maybe it's the idea that life is supposed to be easy, enjoyable, fun, that's got me so overwhelmingly frustrated. Because the fact is, life sucks sometimes. I literally walk around each day, and have been walking around for nearly a year with this haze over me, this blur that I can't see beyond. My life is wasting away before me, and I feel like I'm in slow motion watching it fly by. Here for a moment and then it's gone...

I can't move... frozen, numb, gone. All the hope that once resided has diminished, all the joy, all the emotion of life - is gone. And I pray for anything, something to make me feel again and I get no response. So I pray again... for a glimpse, an encouragement, anything. And again... silence. It's days, it's months, it's years of numbness... a desert of a life... dry, barren, void.

And I've learned something over the past 3 weeks - I have no idea who I am anymore. My life has been a constant battle to please those people in my life. Terrified of disappointing others, I've let people walk all over me for years. I've never defended myself or admitted to someone that they've hurt me... I've just let things slide each and every time. Allowing others to get off the hook for wounds so deep I've barely begun to heal from. My people pleasing self has gone so far that that I don't even know what I value anymore. I don't know what I like, what I want, what I desire. I don't know who I am. Which is the first step of this journey... processing, asking, analyzing what makes me who I am. And living my life the way God intended me to live it...

I just wish I had the eyes of God sometimes... to be able to see the little things at work that I can't seem to see in the everyday mush of life. I know that if I make God's desires my desires that He will give me those desires. I know that if I follow Christ daily, those visions and dreams will re-surface as it says in Jeremiah. I know that He's there... at work... but I don't trust that He's at work "for the good of those who love Him." It seems that my life has been filled with more battles than victories, more pains than joys, and more disappointments than triumphs. And I plead again - "something, God, anything... show up in my life in a mighty way."

But the pressures continue, the pressures to be perfect, to gain fame, fortune, and success. To be the Alpha Female that can handle anything without anyone's help. The pressure/responsibility to care for those who aren't being wise now, but expect me to fix their problems in the future. Pressure to be thin enough, smart enough, pretty enough, financailly successful enough, have enough degrees, enough certificates, enough training... Well I say ENOUGH to all of that! Because I don't want the fame, the fortune, the power, the money... I don't want the stuff that this world has to offer. I want the eternal, the stuff that lasts. I want relationships with others, I want to do ministry, I want to write and lead and speak to generations to come. I want MORE Jesus and LESS world.

And all I can do now is wait. Not the easiest thing to do.. .that's for sure. But wait I must, even when God is silent, and when He continues to be silent.. I wait. For everything from Him comes at His perfect time...

Gone... numb... how...

WAIT.