Misrepresenting me

"You have to get to the place where you don't say things you don't mean. You don't lie. You don't misrepresent things. It doesn't mean being rude, it's just that you have to get to the point that you believe what you say... learn to be who you are, what you stand for. You've got to do this in your relationship with God and with others." - Andrew Wommack

As I've spent the last few months or so really sitting with the Lord and a few close family members on all things life, my calling, and what makes me, me, I've realized that MUCH of my life over the past 4 years has been a misrepresentation of me.

Yup. I said it. I've misrepresented myself. What does that mean? Well, I guess you could say that I've been too concerned with making friends that I have left myself by the wayside and pretty much done what I thought would make others like me. And you know what? It's a miserable existence. Keeping up with appearances and trying to be "that girl" all the time is exhausting. Devastating really. And if I'm really honest - depressing.

When I moved to California I quickly noticed that there was a LOT of "Christian-ese" spoken here. So to fit in, I learned the "lay of the land" and started doing the same thing. I made note of what others would say, experience, and do so that I could do and say the same things. I didn't want to rock the boat, so I just became a chameleon of whatever those around me believed and did. At first it was refreshing, amazing really. I suddenly felt accepted, and I loved it.

Fast forward 4 years and I sit, very uncomfortably, in my own skin. After the fallout with some friends over a year ago, and the realization that they were never really, true friends to me to begin with, the whole "Who am I?" question began. And over the last year it's resurfaced over and over again. Finally, bringing me to the breaking point of me going "Holy mother, I have completely lost sight of the calling laid on my life, my passions, and my giftings. I've become a chameleon of everyone around me."

So here I sit, having to now face the friends that I've made and lost these last years, whom  I pushed away for fear of disappointing them or getting a lecture, or just losing them altogether. But it seems I've already done that in my own self fulfilling prophecy of sorts.

The woman that I am called to be is a lover of God first and foremost, and a lover of His image bearers - both lost and found. She is gracious, kind, generous, and hard working. She is hospitable in every way. She loves meeting new people and hearing their stories; she craves it. She desires to bring people together for dinner, for parties, anything really and to make them feel loved and cared for in the process. She is cheerful, optimistic, and relentless when it comes to getting things done. She's athletic, a health nut, and a fitness guru in the making. She's an encourager who loves to do "little things' for those she loves. She's the doer that gets ideas to become realities. She loves to laugh, to spend time with others, to adventure, and to be in the peaceful beauty that is nature. She hates the "same 'ol grind" and looks forward to getting out of it. She loves being girly, taking showers everyday, and looks forward to dressing up and wearing her heels. She enjoys down time, days of rest and staying in bed all day. She appreciates dinners out and getting to know the waitresses and bartenders that serve her. She is invigorated by conversation with others. She's a planner who can go with the flow. She's a dreamer of BIG things and works hard to make them a reality. She trusts the Lord with the details of life and finds His peace and love her constant companion. She likes order and cleanliness, though her life is sometimes chaos. She imagines often of a home and a lifetime of love and generosity shared with her dear, sweet husband.

This is me. The real me. I have opinions though I often don't voice them. I'm afraid of rocking the boat, so I often keep my mouth shut though I disagree with others. I'm realizing that I'm more liberal in my faith than others. I believe Grace and Love are the biggest callings the Lord gives us. I don't like Calvinism. I'm more Weslyan in my approach to faith. I'm not here to judge, I leave that up to the one the Lord has appointed to do so. I believe that my God is big enough to do anything and I know He will answer my prayers - whether it's yes, no, or not yet. I believe you have to ask to receive and dare to believe that God will give you exceedingly, abundantly more than we could ever ask or imagine. And I believe the Gospel is simple - and my calling on this earth, too. But all too often it's complicated through the opinions of centuries of theologians. I believe there's a lot more gray than black and white (yup, I said that too). We're too harsh and bitter towards others... and all too often there's not enough grace.

No more misrepresentation. I will stand for who I am and what I believe. No more complacency. No more chameleon. I will be me, period.

I commit to write more, call more, reach out more, pray more, give more, and love more.

"If God tells you to do something, you do it. Just do it. You say what you mean and you mean what you say. You're either a person of integrity, a person who sticks to his/her word, or you're not. Which will you choose?"

Who do you say I am?

"But what about you?" Jesus asked, "Who do you say I am?"

Peter answered, "You are the Messiah" - Matthew 16:15-16

Controversial topic? Yes. Jesus, the Son of God, the Son of Man, the Messiah to some, a prophet to others. The miracle worker, the healer, the friend of foes. And some would dare say, the rebel of His time, going against deeply rooted rituals of "religion". The one who dares relationship and forgiveness, over ritual and show.

This, my friends, is the Jesus I know and love. Just a few descriptors of who this Man has become in my own life...

Simply put, what Jesus came to accomplish could only be accomplished by Him. He came to seek and save the lost. To be a ransom for the sins of each of us. He came so that you and I may be free and made new amidst the chaos and evil of this world today.

Jesus is ever loving, ever gracious, ever tender, and forever in pursuit of you, his sweet child. He came to love and to die for you, his prized son/daughter. He came so that you may have life.  True, fulfilling, satisfying LIFE!

Jesus is one to be completely honest and "real" with. Maybe the only someone one can fully trust with every detail of life. He's not in the business of being condescending. He's in the business of grace. He's not dismissisive. No, he's responsive. He will not ridicule you but will build you up. He is not judgmental. He's merciful. And oh does His love abound! His love is pure, unconditional. There is nothing you can or cannot do to earn His love, His grace, and His mercy. And it NEVER changes. Ever, never, ever, period. It's perfect.

And perfect love casts out fear. Think of the things that you're most afraid of: Being alone for the rest of your life, running out of money, losing a family member, losing your job, losing your beauty, losing your success, becoming ill, etc.. Now imagine a life without fear of those very things. Is that even possible? To be relieved from the pressure, the stress, anxiety, the fear that overwhelms us?

How freeing would that be? Will that allow you to do more in your life? Would that allow you to be happy for once? Would it allow you to feel free and at peace with the rest of your life? The great news is that freedom from fear is available to you. And as silly as it sounds it's in the name of Jesus. It's His love that casts out fear. It's His love it takes all anxious thoughts all the stress all the fear and separates it as far as the east is from the west. His incredible, unending love is perfect and in Him all things are possible. He loves you. Cares for you. Desires relationship with you. And no matter who you are or what you've done - that cannot separate you from Him. He's there. Always.

1 thing then a 1000

If there's one thing I've learned these last few years, there's a thousand. It seems that each day I'm faced with yet another truth, another lesson, or another day of trusting. Is it easy? Surely not. I find I'm plagued with uncertainty of the future and constantly reminded of living here and now. I cannot change everything in life in a blink of an eye. And I'm my own person, uniquely created, with a specific calling and direction on my life.

I was just reading a dear friend of mine's blog. Her name is Callie and she's been a gem of a friend since I first met her back in High School. She loves Jesus like no other, she's honest, she's vulnerable, she's sweet and kind. She's one of those rare women with heart of gold and such compassion and grace. I love her to pieces. And one of the things I love most about her is her courage. That girl is a country wrangler, in the mountains in Colorado and is living her dream and passion day in and day out. Is it easy for her? Probably not. And like me, I'm sure she has those moments and days of "really Lord? What the heck?!" But I am so incredibly proud of her and all she's done.

Then there's my BFF, Jenny. This girl is a straight up Doctor now. Yup. She is legit like that! I have watched this woman work diligently and hard for her entire educational life. She is one of the most determined and focused women I know. She knew what she wanted to do at an early age and pursued her passions full speed ahead. I am so incredibly proud of her and her accomplishments. Unreal to think that nearly 10 years have passed since she started this journey. And I remember the times of exhaustion and frustration as she faced deadlines and internships. But here she is, a successful, PhD.

And there's my co-worker, Patty, who is the most hard working woman I've ever met. She is focused and reliable, trustworthy and diligent. She has a 10 month old baby, works full time, and yet still has a smile on her face each morning. I don't know how she does it, how she finds the strength to push through each day. But she does it, and she does it well. She is a remarkable person and a wonderful friend, mother and wife to all those she loves.

Why do I bring up all these women? Because I look at each of their lives and go "wow, they've got it made". But then I realize that we all have our own journey on this earth. And mine may not look like other's, and that's OK! I may not yet be the successful business woman that I once thought I'd be. I may be turning 27 in a month and not have that Condo of my own I always assumed I'd have by now. I may not have all my debt paid off and the funds to travel. But you know what? In the grand scheme of things it doesn't even matter. I'm given today, this hour, this moment. And for these things, I'm thankful. God has been good to me. And I often act like a spoiled little brat because my dreams aren't coming true. But if I'm truly honest with myself, those dreams have DRASTICALLY changed over my 20's. I no longer worry about a man or marriage or a family and children. It's not mine to worry about. God's got it, whom or what do I have to fear?

And an epiphony of sorts came to me last night I sat in my beastly hot house after a run, eating caprese salad and chocolate ice cream (I know, gross, but delicious on a hot day!). Why does life have to be this huge complicated thing? Why does my relationship with the Lord have to be this grandiose experience of visions and great things? What if He and I have one of those relationships you haev with your best friend, where it's just simple? I'm the simple girl, who lives on a simple plot of land somewhere there's seasons, with a front porch and rocking chair... and He's my Savior, the one my heart loves, who I just do life with. You know, loving others, being generous, giving shelter to those who need it, feeding those who are hungry, being the hands and feet of Him who first loved me. Is that crazy to desire?

Or maybe it's exactly how this whole relationship with the One and Only is supposed to be... a relationship. Plain and simple.

Mama.

Do you see that beautiful woman in the photo? The brunette next to the blond? Well, that's the 57 year old version of me. AKA - my mama.

You want to know something? I'm one extremely blessed daughter to call that incredible woman mine. You know why? Because she shows me what the love of Jesus truly is. She is one of the most grace filled, forgiving women anyone will ever have the pleasure of meeting. She's generous and kind, even to those who have hurt her the most. She comes to anyone with open arms of love and tenderness that can't be matched by anyone else. She is one of the most diligent, determined, hard working people I have ever had the opportunity of knowing. She will fight for, defend and protect those dearest to her no matter what the cost. She's always been my advocate, my cheerleader, and my motivator. And the greatest part? She's also my best friend.

This woman has prayed over me. Pushed me. Fought with me. Cried with me. Held me in my moments of deepest pain. And she has never once stopped loving me along the way. Though we've both had rough go's at this thing called life, I know without a shadow of a doubt that this woman believes in me. She trusts me. And she knows my full potential.

To think that on numerous occasions throughout my life I nearly lost this remarkable woman is honestly, unbearable. Boy we get wake up calls throughout life, even as little as a year and a half ago when heard she was at risk for a brain aneurysm.

Call me sentimental. Call me mushy. Call me that crazy emotional girl. But damn it, there's a few things I've learned in this life and one of them is to never, EVER let a day go by without telling someone you love them. Life is short. And the precious moments we get with one another are limited and priceless. You never know what an hour or a day may bring. A phone call can change everything. I don't ever want anyone I love and cherish to go through their lives not knowing how much I care. There are relationships in this life that are irreplaceable. And the bond between a mother and a daughter is one of them.

Mama, even though I may not be the most patient or the most understanding at times when you have your "mommy moments", I love you. And I love you more each and every day of my life. You have taught me so much and truly made me into the woman I am today. Yes, I'm kind of like your mini me (though I'm still in denial about it), and yes, I do stupid things sometimes. But you have stood by me every step of every path I've decided to pave my way down. Thank you for caring for me. Thank you for the sacrifices you've made to love me and make sure I'm taken care of. Nothing, not ONE of your actions ever goes unnoticed. Thank you for showing me through your grace and your actions what the true unmerited favor of our Father looks like.

I love you always and forever, no matter what. :-)

Give us this day our daily bread...

There's been new meaning in this age old phrase as of late. For some reason, my human self has gotten yet another "blown away" moment from the Lord. And it's as simple as His provision for my "daily bread".

As of June 1st, I started my own business. What kind of business, you may be wondering... the kind of business that allows me to work out of my strengths and giftings. One that I never would have thought possible until a friend told me he could see me doing it. And here I am, nearly a year after I became licensed and insured... a person trainer!

5 mornings a week I get up at the crack of dawn, drive to Newport, and train some of the most wonderful women I've come across since moving here. They have children, spouses, clubs, groups, and friends galore. They also have some of the best stories to share about life, love and everything in between. And I've learned much from them, the biggest being to take life one day at a time and savor every moment, every memory. Because before I know it I'll be their age telling the stories of youth.

As I sat in my car after bootcamp on Monday morning, I went "wow, Lord, you're incredible. Thank you for these women and I pray a blessing over each of them." Just then, one of the gals knocked on my window, smiling from ear to ear and with a check in her hand. It was for that days class. And it hit me... "Give us THIS day our daily bread." He literally provides for me each day, from the home I share with a dear friend, the car I drive, right on down to the lunch I get to eat while at work on any given afternoon.

I don't know why that smiling face and check rocked my world so much, but God is in the details of life. Yes, He's in the 'big" stuff, but He's just as much in the "small" parts of my everyday. He knows my needs even when I am completely unaware.

And it hit me... "taste and see that the Lord is GOOD". He's everywhere. In everything. In all of my comings and my goings. He's my constant companion. The one I can trust and rely on above all else. He's faithful. He's good. He gives His love and blessings to me despite my rebellion, my questions, my prioritizing other things above him. He's gracious. He's kind. He's merciful. And HE PROVIDES for me exceedingly, abundantly more than I could ever ask or imagine. He gives me THIS day my daily bread.

For all of this, I am astonished, blown away, and incredibly thankful.

Borrowed, but so good!

Today, I found this incredibly true, incredibly deep, and incredibly thought provoking post on Grace. God's grace. And how insane it can be sometimes. I just had to share...

"Grace is....

Grace is vulgar, offensive, and despicable. It is unfair. It shows no favorites, and respects no boundaries. It is by far the most hypocritical part of the Bible.


Grace is Samson, a man favored by God who slaughtered an army of 1000 men with a donkey’s jawbone and still (anointed as he was) gave into temptation and slept with that Siren, Delilah, who shaved his head and stole his strength. At the end of his life, disobedient to God, eyes gouged out, bald, and chained up in a dungeon, he called on God to be used one last time. And God answered.


Grace is Moses when he parts the Red Sea, leads his people out of Egypt, speaks directly to God, and personally delivers the Ten Commandments when in the first chapter of Exodus, he kills a man with his bare hands and buries him in the desert. And when he calls on God, God still answers.


Grace is the apostle Paul, previously known as Saul prior to preaching the gospel, a Biblical contracted killer hunting down and eliminating Christians for a living.


Grace is the woman at the well, and the prostitute who hid spies in her home,


Grace is me here and now, writing this, married and breathing after all the hearts I’ve bruised, the lies I’ve told, the brothers I’ve betrayed, the churches I’ve bashed, and the addictions I’ve let control me.

Grace is the Son of Man being nailed to a tree crying out, “Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.”


Grace is the thief on the cross who in the last moments of his life shouts to the Christ crucified along side him, “Don’t forget me.”


Grace is Christ’s reply to him: “On this day you will be with me in paradise.”


Praise God for His merciful kindness and His overwhelming Grace. He's taken the broken, the messed up, the 'failures" and looks at us and says: "My Grace is Sufficient.".

Amen!



The rest of the article: Make it Made - Grace Is

As of late...

As of late I can't really find the words to describe the state of my heart. So I find myself meditating on the promises of a Father who loves unconditionally, provides abundantly, cares deeply, and longs to shower His children with His undenyable grace and compassion. What an incredible God we have... a loving Father, a constant companion, and a loyal friend. Without Him I am nothing. And today I am reminded of everything HIM.

‎"Even if you turn away, I'll tell you still. Don't you know I've always loved you? And I always will." - third day

"Great is your faithfulness, True are your promises, You never change. You NEVER fail, oh God."

"The Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!" - Is. 30:18

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." - Ps. 126:6

"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted." -Job 42:2

"When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise." - Pro. 10:19

"A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense." - Pro. 19:11

"Many seek an audience with a ruler, but it is from the Lord that man gets justice" - Pro. 29:26

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
*a time to be born and a time to die
*a time to plant and a time to uproot
*a time to kill and a time to heal
*a time to tear down and a time to build
*a time to weep and a time to laugh
*a time t omourn and a time to dance
*a time to scatter and a time to gather
*a time to embrace and a time to refrain
*a time to search and a time to give up
*a time to keep and a time to throw away
*a time to tear and a time to mend
*a time to be silent and a time to speak
*a time to love and a time to hate
*a time for war and a time for peace" - Ecc. 3:1-8

"Rend your heart... return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in LOVE." -Joel 2:13

"If you could see the extent of destruction that is set in motion when you speak against one another, you would learn to hold your tongue. However, this is not a matter of words but of the condition of your heart and your willingness to say things about someone else that you would not want spoken about yourself. You will be held accountable for every word that you speak... be careful what you say!"

"The trials of life are sent to make us, not break us. Financial troubles may destroy a persons business but build up his character. And a direct blow to the outer person may be the greatest blessing possible to the inner person." -Malthie Babcock

"GOD deals with impossiblities. It's never too late for Him to so do..." - Streams in the Desert

"God is at work in the world today. He is working as a prayer answering God. That is one of His names." -Ps. 65:2

"God uses broken things. Those used for God's glory are those who have been broken in their finances, broken in their self-will, broken in their ambitions, broken in their lofty ideals, broken in their worldly reputation, broken in their desires, and often broken in their health. Yes, He uses those who seem totally hopeless and helpless." - Streams in the Desert

"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being FULLY persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised." -Romans 4:20-21

"God is not a man that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does He speak then not act? Does He promise then not fulfill?" - Numbers 23:19

"Difficulty is actually the atmosphere surrounding a miracle, or a miracle at it's initial stage. Yet if it is to be a great miracle, the surrounding condition will be not simply a difficulty but an utter impossibility. And it is the clinging hand of His child that makes a desperate situation a delight to God."

"When I am afraid, I will trust YOU. In God, who word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid."

Faith: the substance of what is Hoped for, the belief in what is unseen.

"... fully persuaded that God had the power to do what He had promised.... God is not merely able but abundantly able, bountifully and generously able, with an infitinte surplus of resources and eternally able to do just as He has promised. He is the God of limitless resources... and our thoughts and our prayers are too small, and our expectations are too low. God wants us to raise our vision to a higher level and calls us to have greater expectations."

"If your version of Christianity is one that causes you to not love certain people, then you've missed the whole point of grace. Jesus didn't have a "favorite people" list, He died for all of us. My sin, your sin, his sin, her sin, OUR sin, sent Him to the cross. Stop hating and start loving. When you love your brothers and your sisters, they don't see you, they see God." - Annaliese Marie Lawrence

‎"Your circumstances and your past do not reflect your value... You are God’s child. His heir. His princess. His beloved. His creation"

‎'Because the resurrection is an actual historical event, we can be forgiven, we can be reconciled with god, we can spend eternity with him, and we can trust jesus' teaching as being from god.' -ravi zacharias

‎'Human promises are often worthless; many broken promises have left broken hearts... But God has never broken a single promise to his children.'