I am...

Lots running through my head these days. Funny how bringing a few key people into our lives shows us things about ourselves that we never really want to see or admit. These past weeks and months have been just that. So here, today, is a gut wrenching, overtly honest post on me, my life, my choices. And let me preface with, Praise God for His grace and mercy!

I'm a liar.

Yup. I said it. I'm one of those liars who omits certain facts about certain things so as to not offend someone or to save face with those I love. So I leave out the details. If I'm not asked, I don't tell. It's just easier that way, right? But what I'm finding is that truth will surface whether we like it or not. Truth will come forward in everything. Truth wins.

This is the case in my life, even as of this morning. I have a very discerning friend, who calls me out on my ish. Though everything in me cringes when something I've intentionally left 'vague' is brought to light, I know it's for the better good of me to hear it. Everything in me wants to run from any type of confrontation. But God knows I need to experience those very things to grow into the woman of character He so desires me to be. Ouch, Jesus- I don't like this!

I'm a doubter.

I often don't believe God has good for me. Nope, I often think quite the opposite. it seems more and more in my life that the more I pray, the more He says no. And I don't like no. I want a yes when I fervently ask for something. It's been no for so much of my life that I am in a season, right here, right now of utter doubt in His love and goodness. I barely have the words to pray. It's more a few moments of 'ugh... Ugh!!! UGH!!!!!!' No words. I have nothing, my bucket of hope is empty. :/

I'm not a virgin.

Oy! This is not something I freely admit. No, this is something that I hid for far too long. It's only been in the past year that I've had the courage to bring this, one of my biggest regrets, to light. I slept with a man who was not my husband. I allowed it to continue for years. And the funny part? The Spirit of the Lord was upon me so powerfully everytime I chose this sin. So incredibly so that I was brought to my knees in agony and tears.

When it all ended, what was left was a shell of a woman, shamed and remorseful. Over and over I prayed for forgiveness, but I still hid. I didn't let a soul into it. No one ever knew. And the enemy had a hayday with me.. 'If you tell, no one will ever want you. If you tell, people will hate you. If you tell, you're going to hurt others.' And the truth only came out when someone finally cared enough to ask. And I lost it! But in the midst of that, God brought me something I cherish to this day - freedom. And His constant reminder of His forgiveness is found in my favorite color... pink (another post coming on the significance of this soon!)

I'm apathetic.

Sometimes, especially recently, I just don't care. I find that I lack the responsibility, compassion, and even patience with life in general. I get frustrated easily. I don't have the energy to listen to the truth of others. I don't really care to grow or change. I'd rather sit in my own little world. Alone. Without the drama. Without the pain. Without the frustration. Without the expectations. Without the mirror staring back at me. Without every draining thing. I want to post up shop with a 'do not disturb' sign on the door.

Despite every last one of these things, one remains. God's forgiveness. Though I mess up, stumble, or fall - God is always there to catch me. He's there in the roommate that loves me enough to sit down and tell me over and over that I can never do anything to change that love. He's there in the embrace of a new friend who barely knows me but sees the eyes of my heart. And He's there in the moments of 'ugh' where I know not what to say. It's by His blood and His pure mercy that the color pink shines through most brightly in my life.

And as I sit in the refiner's fire, I remember that everything is for my growth - as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Ok, Jesus, I trust you to do this...