Reminiscing...

This past week I’ve really had some time of introspection and perspective. As I was sitting at my desk at work on Tuesday, I looked up and saw the array of pictures that adorn the wall next to me and I realized that some of them are from 4 years ago. I started reminiscing about where I was at in life during each snapshot. In one particular photo I was at the first wedding of a friend from my graduating class, probably thinking to myself, “when do I get to be married?”. Another photo shows me nearly 3 years ago at my 21 run with all my girlfriends – I was dating my first “official” boyfriend at the time, and we dated for another year after the snapshot was taken. Then there’s me utterly enjoying my single life last year at a lake for the weekend with friends (and my semi-rebound crush). Boy was that a crazy, fun weekend! As I look further down the wall I see photos of all my closest girlfriends getting married to the most incredible guys, and I’m touched by their love and respect for one another. And then I look at the photos from this past year and I see how much has changed in a years time. I started 2008 coaching 2 cheer squads. I ended 2008 in a relationship with an incredible guy, and 6 months later it was done. And in the past 4 months, I’ve grown, traveled, coached, served, and lead in great ways that I never, EVER thought I would have the ability to do.

I’m not going to lie – the breakups, the silly choices I’ve made, the loss of family members, my financial struggle while in college – deeply hurt and burdened me at the time I was going through them. But would I trade one hour, one minute of those struggles for a happier time? Absolutely not. For it’s in the trials, in the struggles, in the temptations of life that I fall flat on my face before Jesus and realize that living for myself and my selfish desires is no way to live at all. And I look back on the hearts I’ve broken, the people I’ve disappointed, and the pain that I’ve caused others to feel and I am saddened by my actions, but I’m grateful for the wisdom and love that I learned and gained through the experiences.

And then I look at my life now and realize that all the worrying brought me only anxiety. All the anger brought my only bitterness. All the sadness brought me only depression. But Jesus is bigger than my worry, anger, and sadness – and in the middle of each and every difficult circumstance of my life He has been the one to pick me up out of the miry clay and set my feet back on His firm foundation. He’s set my eyes and my direction on Him and Him alone, so that when my eyes wander to the ways of the world, He reminds me to stick close to His side for guidance and direction.

As I look at the people who have made rather large impacts on my life over the years, I’m reminded not of the bitterness that I harbored for so long or the hurt that struck me to my core, but I’m reminded of the lessons I’ve learned through relationship with them. My first boyfriend is getting married tomorrow – and it’s a weird feeling to think that he’s married (because he swore he was never the marrying type), but I’m so incredibly happy for him because he’s found the woman that is perfectly suited for him. My second boyfriend is dating someone new, and I wouldn’t change the fact that we broke up for anything. Although he was an incredible guy, he wasn’t the right guy for me. The best part of all is that I wish both of them only the best in their lives and I know that God has great plans for them. For through them I grew into the woman that I am today, and even though they don’t realize it, I’m grateful for the time they invested in me, and the lessons I learned through dating each of them.

The funny thing about reminiscing is that I wouldn’t change anything about my life today. God has spoken to my heart for years about the fact that He’s got plans for my future – and big ones if that. I was reminded of the importance of living my life for Jesus and forgetting about the “responsibilities” that the world lays on my shoulders by this great guy that I actually went out with last week. I'm really grateful to him because he actually shared with me that he felt it wasn’t the right time for me to have a boyfriend (which I now kind of agree with) and He really challenged me to stop living to make everyone else around me happy (I’m a people pleaser by nature) and start going after the desires that the Lord has laid on my heart. And it hit me… I’m holding myself back from the blessings, plans, and desires that God has for me. My human nature is hindering me from making the tough choices and going on the great adventure that my Father has been writing on my heart for years. And I finally realize that it’s time for me to step out in faith and make the changes that I need to in order to do the things that Christ has called me to. It’s time for a change. It’s time for the adventure to begin.

And this time, I want to be able to look back at the pictures and think, “wow, I did it! With Jesus by my side, I did the things He called me to do. I broke the mundane mold of my everyday life... I did it!”. Lord, that’s my prayer today – take me on the great adventure… take me where you would have me go. Lead my steps, and let me not be hindered or distracted from the plans you have for me. Here am I Lord – send me!

I’m SOOOO excited right now!!!

“…From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.” – Luke 12:48

“Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘whom shall I send? And who will go fro us?’ and I said, ‘Here am I. Send me!.” – Is. 6:8