Tonight, I sat with a group of amazing people at a table, at a class all about doing Life with God. Ironically, the class is duly called "Life with God". Tonight's talk was all about God as Father. And the 1st thought that ran through my mind, even before my friend Matt started speaking was, "oy... what a difficult and confusing subject to speak on." The questions started rising, "if God is good - then why do I experience this or that?" "If God really loves me, then why did this happen?" "Is God the Father like my own father? Because if so, I don't know that I'd want much to do with him."
And the list goes on. However, the night progressed, the talk began, and I saw that each and every one of us has some sort of view of God - many of which are tainted with the crap of life. It may be that we need to perform in order to gain His love. It may be that we somehow need to buy His love. It may be that we feel abandoned. Or it may very well be that we lack a humanly father example of what a heavenly Father full of grace and mercy may look like. The latter is where I lie.
For much of my life, my father has been absent, sometimes physically absent, but most often emotionally unreachable. He was the man that went to work each day, came home and ignored his family, only to go out again the next day and continue the cycle. When my dad would speak it was full of harsh words or criticism that left a little girl wondering her worth. "Am I worth protecting daddy? Am I worth loving? Am I beautiful? Am I your little girl? or am I the annoyance that I see in your eyes? Am I your greatest disappointment? Will I ever get it right?"
Then the abuse came, the punching, the strangling, the throwing down the stairs or across the room. The anger in his soul overtook him and soon left him family-less. And for all those years after the divorce, I felt abandoned, unprotected, vulnerable. I felt utterly alone and the lack of care and provision given by my father drove me to a life of independence, that even to this day I struggle with.
Year after year I felt I had to somehow prove myself to this man that wasn't even a part of my life for 12 years. I was the people pleaser - the girl that never asked for help and did it all on her own. I didn't seek counsel - I just did life.
And slowly, my heart turned away from the voice of the Heavenly Father calling me to His purposes. I didn't trust this "father" in the sky. I didn't know him, I didn't tangibly see his "goodness", I didn't know if he would just abandon me like so many others had. So I ran from Him. I tried so hard to hide myself from Him - proving that I could do it on my own, relying on no one, especially Him. And you know where it got me? Into a relationship with the wrong boy at the wrong time. I was seeking my identity that I couldn't answer from my own earthly father in the eyes of some boy who was just as flawed and scared as I was. Needless to say that relationship ended - and the funny thing is after the fact I so desperately desired for my dad to somehow come to bat for me. To somehow go to that young man and tell him "you don't mess with my daughter - you understand?"
The fatherly role has been such a tangled mess in my own life. I've tried everything to fill that hole that only God the Father can fill. And slowly, over the years, I've realized something. I can't equate my earthly Father to my Heavenly Father - for there's no comparison between the 2. I've literally had to painstackingly re-draw my outlook on what a Father is. And to this day I still have moments with the Lord where I'm afraid to talk with him, I'm afraid to be real with him - to fess up to the sins of my life. There's still moments where I'm trembling in the corner, silent, waiting for him to come smack me on the side of the head or throw me across the room to get his point across.
But God is so much more tender and gracious than that. It's not in His character to do bad to his children - He's not in the business of harming us. Though life may throw us some pretty hefty curveballs sometimes, we can know and trust that He's always working all things for His good - even those things the enemy means for evil. God is merciful. God is patient. God is just and kind, compassionate and loving. He is trustworthy beyond compare. And I don't really know how to explain this reality unless Christ is in the middle of it all. For Christ has somehow given me the eyes to see the perfect love and forgiveness that only the Father gives. His spirit intercedes for us, His grace is sufficient. He loves us - adores us - smiles with us, laughs with us, cries with us, and does life WITH us.
Oy - there's a lot in this post.... I leave you with this:
There is FREEDOM in the FATHER as there is with the SON.
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Take a listen to my latest fave song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR7VOKQ0xJY
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