A time for Silence...

I find myself in a period of silence in every way. I lack the words, I lack the courage, I lack the strength to verbalize my heart, to the wreakage I find there. So I sit, silently going through each day, wondering: Why? When? yet not finding my voice to actually say what I'm really facing, what I'm really feeling.

And all I can seem to muster is "I don't know, I don't know... I just... can't." My prayers have turned to silent moments with the Lord where my heart seems to burst at the seams, but nothing comes out. Day and night, with my mind in a fog, I look at the "why's", the "how's", the "what's going on"'s of life. And the silence continues. It's a silence I've not experienced before, a silence I've never known. It's a period of time where my God seems far and I seem distant, even from myself. It's a season of waiting... without the faith to hope. It's a season of stripping everything I once held dear and counting it all as lost. It's a season of overwhelming anxiety of the unknown future.

Silence.

But this silence is not rested, it's not peaceful. No, it's difficult, it's deep, it's exhausting.

When will the silence end? When will the hope and the future come to pass? When will the valley turn uphill?

The simple answer and the difficult answer is: it won't this side of eternity. Life will be a constant of growth, of change, of challenges. And we must trust that He is working everything (even the silence) together for good. Though we may not see that good this side of heaven, we can know and trust that all will be known soon...

For there's a time and a season for everything under heaven... a time to be born and a time to die. A time for war and a time for peace. A time for reaping and a time for sowing. There's even seasons of blessings and seasons of famine.

Famine.
Silence.

In the silence I cling to the glimmer of hope I see, and in the silence I remember:

"Silence of our eyes, silence of our ears, silence of our mouths, silence of our minds... in the silence of our hearts God speaks." - Mother Teresa