Over the weekend I was struck my something a pastor said at a Church I visited in California. The words were simple, yet hit me to my core - "stop merely existing and start living!". I began to look back at my life and the patterns of the everyday, and the fear that so easily entangles my life. And I realized - I'm afraid of change, I'm afraid of risk, and I'm afraid of relationship with others. The sad part of all of this is that I often find myself sabatoging situations and opportunities before I even have the chance to see what they could be. I hover in the "safe zone" just to keep the peace, instead of acting on what I believe my heart is calling me to do. This, quite simply, is something I hate about myself.
People pleasers, like me, often do things that just don't seem to make sense. Many of these little issues have come up again and again in my life, and I've started to ask myself, "am I making my decisions for me or for everyone else in my life?" The question arises because I find that too often I listen too much to the advice, or rather, opinions of my friends and family members - instead of going to Jesus first and asking myself second, what may be best for my life. The fear of having someone disappointed in me paralyzes me from taking the risks that I KNOW in my heart that I need to take. Whether it's in relationships, job situations, or even just up and moving out of my house and on my own - the fear of disappointing those that disagree with me prevents me from living the life I'm called to live.
And recently, I've been bombarded by second thoughts. Thinking about the reality of the decisions I've made and how many of them have been total mistakes, based on what other people wanted me to do instead of staying true to myself. Now seeing the choices I've made I'm SO incredibly frustrated with myself, because I've been living in a state of Limbo for 24 years - always doing what I don't want to do. There's a verse in Romans 7 that speaks to this: "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." Why does it matter so much to me what other people think? Why do I feel 'stuck' all the time? Why can't I just speak up and be honest about things?
Conviction.
I've been absolutely convicted of my people pleasing self - to the point where I've had to come clean with people on stories and, in essence, exaggerations that I've said about circumstances in my life that I've lied about in order to "keep the peace". Seriously?!? I know I hate confrontation, but I'm really disappointed in myself for allowing it to get this bad. It's a humbling experience to go to your closest friends and family members and say, "okay, so about that story, yeah... here's how it really went down." But do you want to know the greatest part about coming clean? It's absolutely freeing and it shows that I'm imperfect - simply a sinful human. And by the Grace of the Lord and the love of my friends and family they're able to sit by me and and encourage me to be me, not anyone else.
So here I am... with second thoughts... and I have a choice to make. Do I own up, and face the choices/mistakes I've made or do I go back into my caccoon of comfort and let the old me take over - never confronting, never admitting my faults? I'll go with Option A. It's time for me to step up and allow God to work through the circumstances in the way He wants. That probably means disappointing people, but it also could mean new opportunities of relationship, adventure, and just living life to the fullest. And who knows, maybe I've got a lot more growing and "being called out" to go through. But if that's what it takes to make me into the person I'm supposed to be, then bring it on!
And hopefully, after all the second thoughts, all the regrets, and all the mistakes - there may be some second chances along the way :-)
A few verses that have come to mind lately:
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grown tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." - Is. 40:29-31
"Get yourself ready! Stand up and say to them whatever I command you. Do not be terrified by them, or I will terrify you before them." - Jer. 1:17
"Leave your country and your people,' God said, 'and go to the land I will show you." - Acts 7:3
It's time. It's time for me... to go so that I may grow.
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