A Year Later

Today is the one year anniversary of my move to California. All day I've been reminiscing over what's gone on this past year - the ups, the downs, and everything in between. The funniest part? I still have to remind myself sometimes that I actually do live here. California is my home. Oh my gosh!

Looking back, I remember being SO excited to finally get down here... I was counting down the days months in advance and finally the day came for us to leave. Crazy!

The one thing I do know is that God is good - all the time. Though this year has had it's difficulties, I would not change one second, one moment of it for anything. Each step has been a stage of growth for me, learning to rely on Him in it all. Boundaries have been set, new beginnings have been made, and today, a year later, I finally know what I stand for, who I really am. I'm a daughter of the One and Only, beloved by Him. I don't think I could have said that a year ago with such conviction.

Over and over I saw the work of the Lord shining through the friendship of others. And there are a few people that have meant much to me as I made this transition. One of which is my dear roommate, Cortney. This girl has challenged me, pushed me, asked the difficult questions. She's sat with me for hours as I poured out my doubts, my questions. She's laughed with me, cried with me, and just done life with me. She's a woman of grace and dignity, a woman of strength and beauty. She has been, and still is, a true God-send. And I have one person to thank for putting the two of us into contact and starting this wonderful friendship. So Steve, thank you, from the bottom of my heart for caring enough to put me in touch with this amazing woman. I would truly not be where I am today without either one of you.

Then there's mama. The one person in Seattle that encouraged me to go after my dreams, though I didn't know what they would bring. Thank you for being my shoulder to cry on from afar on the nights when I thought I made a mistake. Thank you for believing in me and letting me go so gracefully. Your love is how I stuck it out for the year. And I thank you for not letting me give up on my dreams prematurely.

Oh Jenny-o, my dear California dreamer kindred spirit. We both knew we loved this place those 5 years ago on our 1st "big girl" trip to Huntington Beach. I still laugh at the memories we've shared on my many visits through the years. Thank you for seeing my true heart for this place and telling me what I couldn't put words to, "You should move here - you come alive when you visit you know." And you were right. This place has become home and I'm so incredibly blessed to share life here with you. Thank you friend.

Debber Boo, you are a true gift to my life. Thank you for keeping me laughing, for loving me, for encouraging me to see things I often refused to see. Thank you for reminding me of God's grace, His forgiveness. Thank you for the many nights we sat up watching movies, drinking wine, eating chocolate and pouring out our hearts to one another. You're my adventurer, my risk taker, my bold friend who loves well. You mean the world to me.

Catherine, my Catherine. I could not have asked for a more incredible woman of faith to come along side me in my life. You have meant SO much to me and have helped bring me to a place of courage and faith that I never thought possible. You've taken a terrified, people pleaser and turned her into a confident lover of Christ (though I still have a LONG way to go). Thank you for your wisdom, your love, your insight, and encouragement as I've faced the trials of this year. Thank you for your prayers. And thank you for helping me see what God sees.

To the community that I've come into - each of you are an absolute answer to prayer. I remember looking back at my old journal recently and reading a prayer I prayed over a year ago, "Father, I pray for community like that, for friendships like those." I never would have thought He would give me community, let alone the very community I prayed for that night. Thank you for your friendship - it means more than you know.

And my sweet Jesus - I don't even know where to begin. Thank you for standing beside me every step of every day. Thank you for being my source of encouragement when I felt I couldn't go on. Thank you for your companionship, your love, your tender mercy. Thank you for every sweet whisper and gentle reminder that you are at work. I praise you for bringing me here, to this place. And as I head into year 2, use me, teach me. Amen!

Oh. My. Gosh. I actually live here! And now, I just wanna go celebrate! :-)

Caught in the Middle...

Lately, I've been bombarded by the reality of the Christian life. It's not some simple walk in the park, and there are many times where, if I'm completely honest, it's absolutely draining. Oy!

We're called to wait. We're told to persevere. We're encouraged to pick up our crosses. But sometimes I really just let my prideful self come out and go "can I please just have what I asked for? I mean, seriously, it's been such a long time since I started asking... don't you think I deserve it by now??"

Well, this weekend I got myself a bit of a wake up call. "Do everything without complaining or grumbling..." That means life in general. That means rejoicing in the fact that life sometimes doesn't go as planned or wished for. That means putting away the selfish desires. It means dying to self and living for Him.

And the funny thing is, for some reason we take God's refusals as bad. But what we so easily forget is that God is good - period. His good is far better than our good could ever be. He sees the bigger picture, He knows best. God's refusals in our lives are always His mercies. When He takes something away or says "not yet", it's His way of protecting us, of growing us, of loving us.

His grace is sufficient.

The thing we ought to remember in the midst of those "winters" of our souls is the very fact that "spring" is on it's way. And God has us here, in this moment, in this time, in this trial. Period. There may be no "reason" that we can see or understand. Though we may see it not this side of heaven, we can know, and fully trust that He's working this trial, this difficulty, this issue together for His perfect good.

It's so easy to say He's working. It's much more difficult in the hiccups of life to truly trust that He's still moving in the midst of what seems a very still, unchanging part of our lives. He's silent for what seems eternity, and suddenly a reminder pops up out of nowhere... a simple moment where He speaks and reminds us of His love.

This past week, I've had 2 of those simple, yet remarkably powerful, reminders. One of which was me praying, again, about a certain subject and out of nowhere I look up and see these little pink flowers on this bush (for those that don't know, pink is my all time favorite color). And as I sat in my car staring at these silly little flowers, tears flooded my eyes as I heard His still small voice say, "I'm working my daughter. Take these flowers as a reminder. Each time you see them, remember this promise - I'm working!". The funny part is.... these flowers are EVERYWHERE! I literally walk by rows and rows of them throughout my day and they almost whisper as I walk by "I'm working. Trust me."

The second moment was last night. As I often do, I arrived to my time with Catherine (one of the most amazing women I have ever met in my life!) a little early. I sat in my car, with random old school Jesus loving music playing in the background, and one song just hit me. It's called "In the Middle" by Casting Crowns. It's all about the extremes of daily life and how often we settle for the middle ground, though there's so much more we can reach for. And again I felt the Spirit of the Lord in the midst of my car so powerfully. All I could do was cry, overwhelmed with the fact that I so often fall into the middle... not acting or reacting to anything - just going through the motions. "Somewhere between my faith and my plans... Deep water faith in the shallow end... we're caught in the middle."

These precious moments with Him have made me realize so many things. But one of them is for the true me to please stand up. Not the timid, quiet, lacking confidence girl that I've been over and over in my life. But the woman who chooses joy, who chooses encouragement, who chooses to speak up when necessary, who chooses to defend and protect at the right moments, who chooses a life not satisfied with ordinary, and who chooses grace. No longer do I want to be caught in the middle. No. no! I want to grow. I want to continually learn. I want to gain character. And I want to trust His good for my own good in everything - though it's terrifying to admit.

His grace is sufficient.

His mercy never ceases.

He's working.

Even when we're caught in the middle.

Unworthy

I am unworthy.
It's by the grace and the death of Christ that I am given a second chance.

Unworthy am I.
As a child selfish, a liar, a cheater.
As an adolescent willing to do anything to get ahead.
As a young adult a partier, a sinner, a girl wearing the scarlet letter for the decisions she's made.

So tainited I come to the Throne of Grace. Humbly I bow, for I cannot look to His face. Broken I beg for his relentless love, only to be taken to something greater above. Dirty and disfigured I go to ask for His forgiveness. His response - "my child, you are indeed forgiven". What happens next is something amazing, for He takes the rags, the tears, the damage, and cleans them and puts them all together into a beautiful mosaic.

My life once unworthy is now made new. The mistakes before haunting, are now for good. The dirty is clean, the tainted is no more. For Christ in His death forever settled the score.

And I am the cripple that once was, now sitting at His table - daughter of the Most High.
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Take a listen to "Carbon Ribs" by John Mark McMillan - SO good!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nK94p3hXVHQ

Post Surgery

Oy. What a week. A week full of life change. A week I certainly don't want to live through again anytime soon.

Praise God for His grace, Praise God for His care, Praise God for His love showering over my family these past few weeks. The good news is that my mom's surgery went well. She now has numerous coils in various veins in her brain, but she's good, she's alive, she's healing - thank you Jesus for doing this miracle in her life.

This week was a heavy one. A week where roles were suddenly reversed and I found myself discussing Wills, Trusts, final wishes and everything that comes with it. And it's funny... I made it through the week without many tears, and a strength that came from a place I know not.

So here I sit, back in California, and the week still hasn't hit me. I feel it brewing in the depths of my heart. It's building, the reality of what just happened is slowly showing up. I don't know what to feel, I don't know how to respond.

What just happened?

One thing I do know - I need some one on one with the One and Only. But I find myself avoiding it... as if it's going to hurt too much to go there, to let it out, to just cry.

Processing. Praying. Meet me sweet Jesus - thank you for your protection and provision in everything.

Brain Surgery

This isn't going to be a fun post. No happy cheery here. No "wow" revelations. Nope, this post hurts and I haven't even written it yet. Mom is having some health issues. And by health issues, I mean she's having issues within her brain, in the veins of her brain. It seems that a certain vein has tangled itself up inside of her head and has started causing her head to pound and her equilibrium to be off. She's been dealing with this for months, and finally after tons of testing, the MRV came back to show her diagnosis. She's at risk for an aneurism. Any sudden movements, any high blood pressure, really anything that could jerk her could cause it to start bleeding (let me also say, praise God for tests that show these things so they can be fixed!).

She's going in for surgery sometime this week. It was supposed to be today, but now the doctors are pushing it back because one doctor couldn't be there. They make it sound so dangerous, one of the "riskiest surgeries we could perform". Awesome. I don't want to hear that crap... one of the riskiest surgeries and you're performing it on my mom's brain today, tomorrow, who knows when? In the meantime my mom is in a state of wondering what's going on. And the rest of us are sitting here praying and hoping that everything will be resolved quickly.

I had a moment last night me in California, her in Seattle and I got so angry at myself for being so far away from her when she's in this situation. I'm supposed to be there, I'm supposed to take her to the doctors appointments, I'm supposed to help her, encourage her, pray for her. And I'm here. What the heck am I doing here?!?! Why now God? Why this? What is going on?!

Oy. I don't know what to say. I have no words. I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm just.... ouch.

I leave for Seattle in a couple of hours, who knows how long I'll be gone, who knows what happens next, besides the Lord? Oh Father please, I beg, let everything be okay. Please!

Please pray... for the doctor's hands, for a quick recovery, for strength and courage as we face this mountain. Thank you!

Never lose heart

King Solomon. The richest, wisest man of all time. A man, who in his own time, had such an abundance of silver and gold that it had the same value as dirt. The very thing that the worlds riches weigh upon were so plentiful that it actually lacked worth. And though this man had everything his eyes desired, he still felt that everything was meaningless. No matter how much he saw he was never satisifed, but left unfulfilled.

How often is that our mindset in today's world? Though we have everything we could ever need or want, we still find ourselves unsatisfied, unfulfilled. And we walk around, following the same routine, day in and day out, as if something is finally going to break and change. And we lose heart that this life, this world we live in will never change, that we'll walk through this life in a state of constant dissatisfaction.

Maybe instead of fixing everything all the time, we should be seeking something in our lives that is bigger than our problems, our fears, our discouragement, our unfulfilled hearts. Stop trying to fix and start laying those heartwrenching days, those difficult hours, those disappointing moments of life at the throne of Grace.

So, it seems that prayer might be part of the answer - setting our minds on things above and not on earthly things. Being open, honest, real with the Lord about those things that go on; allowing and inviting Him into the places of our heart that are dissatisfied, unfulfilled. And we may soon see that with Him in the center of our lives our mindsets change... suddenly the unfulfilled hearts find new refreshment in His grace and mercy.

Never lose heart that Christ has a plan for you.
Never lose heart that He is working for your good.
Never lose heart that He loves you and longs to bless you.
Never lose heart that He's there in the midst of the darkest hours of this life.
Never lose heart.

For He loves you.

Transitioning from 2010

NEW Year.

Isn't it amazing how every January 1st we get the opportunity to start a new year with a clean slate? Another year is gone and a new one has come. Man what a year 2010 was - full of challenges, change, and courage. One that I will not soon forget. Praise God for the trials. Praise God for the tests. Praise God for the mountains of difficulty that this life of mine brought this last year. There's not a moment that goes by that I don't remember His grace, His mercy, His love as the agony of life came. Praise our Faithful Father!

For the first time ever (I think) I have yet to write "new year's resolutions". I did not sit down and write a list of goals for 2011. I haven't even thought past the 1st day of 2011. And for some reason, that's totally okay with me. I don't need goals, I don't need resolutions - all I need is my sweet Jesus to walk beside me and guide my every step. Sure there are things I'd like to accomplish, like starting my own business or taking guitar lessons, but I know those things will come. Keeping our eyes on Jesus is what takes us from today into the eternal tomorrow. His plans and His will are what we should follow...

"in his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." - Proverbs

The Lord determines his steps. That is a morsel of truth that I've learned greatly this year. I'm a planner - always have been. But this year has taught me that no matter what I think I'm going to be doing, no matter what I have planned, He often has a different stance, a different direction for life. Over and over my "plans" for 2010 failed, but those failures were just what I needed to realize that it's not about me, it's not about my timeline - it's about Him, always.

So I sit here tonight looking ahead to 2011 and wonder "what's next?" And all I hear is the simple voice of the Father saying:

One.
Day.
At.
A.
Time.